I keep having these dreams about a friend that I haven’t spoken to in about 10 years. I mean, we had a couple short conversations, but nothing really. So some background… We were friends in high school and a little after. His life took off and he got successful, pretty much leaving me behind. He kept a lot of his other old friends and I could tell he had a better relationship with them. Maybe he kept me around out of pity? Being around him started to suck because he’d always have these fabulous things, a lot of admirers online, and even hanging out with B or C-list types. But my life still sucked and I felt like he was looking down on me. I think we barely pretend we know each other now, but I keep dreaming about him. The dreams used to sort of imitate life, where he’d sit me down and tell me why we weren’t friends anymore or I’d dream of a conversation and I could see that I pushed him away. But then last night, I had a dream he went out of his way to find me and ask me questions about some project I was doing (there isn’t one). He seemed genuinely happy to talk to me and the vibe was positive.
What does it mean?
Dear Emo Oldie,
Goodness, there’s a lot to unpack here! The first thing that jumps out is your relationship with your friend and the possible feelings surrounding that. The letter doesn’t specify that you guys were BFF status, but it sounds like you were pretty close back in the day. It also sounds in certain places you’re questioning if the friendship was as close as you thought it was. Then there are the sentiments that make it sound like you were the trainwreck of your crew, which might be the reason your friend doesn’t go out of his way to maintain a relationship.
But first, let’s start with the dream.
Major Dream Symbols:
Old Friend: Dreaming of an old friend tends to represent a) a desire to be more childlike and irresponsible and b) the dreamer ruminating on certain aspects of the friendship. There aren’t too many surprises here, per Aunty Flo. In the context of your letter, there is something about this relationship that you feel didn’t play out quite right. I noticed that you take a lot of the blame for what did or did not happen with this friend. Although I feel like you are probably overwhelmed in your daily life, I feel like this dream is more about you wishing you had your stuff together sooner and were good enough to remain friends with this guy. The most positive aspect of this dream is the dreams are becoming more positive as you go and you’re actually processing your feelings of not being good enough.
But let’s see what the cards say…
I asked the cards what we need to know about how this person sees you and how they feel about you. I got: Judgement (number 20, seeing oneself in a new way, inevitable changes, being given a new lease on life, reaping the rewards of an old project, and making choices about handling old cycles); Eight of Wands (number 8, action and movement, life speeding up, new activities or engagements, messages, and possibly travel); Queen of Wands (fire sign female, possibly a narcissist, someone who needs a great deal of admiration, a generous friend who expects the same, possibly an overbearing person, a passionate person, someone who speaks their mind, a creative person, and possibly a straightforward person); Six of Cups (number 6, the need to let go of childhood attachments, nostalgia, an old friend reappearing, and possibly being held back by the past). Well, you are right about your friend leaving you in the past. This card begins with someone looking to the future and forgoing old attachments, then ends with a card that strongly suggests the past is in the past. I don’t feel anything weird or negative here, but I do feel like your friend simply feels the two of you aren’t on the same wavelength anymore. The Eight of Wands in this spread corresponds to your geographical location, like you never made it out of the town where you guys met. To see you would be to go back to a place he doesn’t want to be. Too complicated for this dude. Speaking of too complicated, you are signified here by the Queen of Wands. This particular Queen is known for being demanding and perhaps high maintenance. I’m not sure what happened back in the day, but this guy is convinced you are just too much work and not enough return on investment. He sees you as someone he can maybe exchange pleasantries with on social media, but that’s about it. Again, I need to emphasize there’s no bad blood here.
I asked the cards what we need to know about your friend thinking you’re pathetic or not good enough and I got: Temperance (number 14, moderation, balancing feelings and impulses, unity and integration, possibly a one-sided relationship, and the need to take control of one’s life); Four of Pentacles (number 4, withholding in some area of life, money becoming one’s prison, obsession with gain and self-importance, scarcity fears, the need to draw boundaries, and possibly the need to protect oneself from others’ demands); Four of Wands (number 4, moving to a more stable period of life, leaving behind one’s childhood to forge ahead, a positive future, and perhaps moving or making home improvements); Six of Swords (number 6, healing, finding peace after a long time of struggle, respite after mental pressure and stress, entering a more peaceful phase of life, and possible a geographical move). The first two cards (Temperance and Four of Pentacles) speak more directly to the question, as they represent how he views you. I need to stress that there’s nothing particularly negative here, just complicated. Your friendship was genuine, but your friend found you needy and my guess is kind of fucked up or troubled. I think it became too much for him. However, the second two cards are about stability and healing. How would he know that you’re making headway in your life if he’s not keeping tabs on you in some way? Methinks your friend might be reading your stuff more than you believe he does. I honestly feel like he knows that he has changed, but maybe he’s getting the feeling that you have too. The feeling I get around this is he’s happy for you, but doesn’t want to get too close or admit that he’s proud of you in some way. Your friend doesn’t seem like he has the time or energy to open too many cans of worms.
I asked the cards if there will be any sort of substantial reconnection between the two of you and I got: The Tower (number 16, a major shake up on one’s life, an identity crisis, a frightening change that leads to a positive outcome, a devastating experience that leads to liberation, freedom, saying things that have been repressed, and possibly creativity that demands expression); Five of Wands (number 5, possibly jealousy, a display of aggression or posturing, competition, defensiveness, stimulating situation, and the need to prove oneself); Three of Swords (number 3, grief, wounds that can only be healed with time, sadness, renewal if one allows oneself to grieve, and possibly release of painful memories); and Four of Cups (number 4, apathy, boredom and dissatisfaction, no longer being fulfilled by an old dream, a disappointing relationship, and possibly the need to take control). I asked this question just for fun and the short answer is, “Yes, but…” The Tower card is a strange start to this spread because the Tower always denotes one of those huge, devastating life events. I feel like the most likely culprit is a mutual friend, teacher, or mentor or falling ill. The event is going to cause you both to re-evaluate your identities and possibly need to communicate. Also, the Five of Wands tells me you were perhaps low key jealous of your friend’s success and new connections. I feel like whatever this devastating event is, it will bring these feelings to the surface for you and you may get a little moody with him. This spread also suggests another possibility for reconnection. I believe a certain amount of this jealousy is rooted in you wanting to make it in the industry where he found success, but life leading you elsewhere. I feel like the first three cards are not only telling you to process some of this jealousy and grief over the loss of your friendship, but also they speak of a project that is near and dear to your heart. I keep gravitating to the part of the Tower that speaks to creativity that needs expression. I honestly feel like you should keep working on a project you abandoned, even casually, until you have a product you can market. I feel like this will be a possible moment of reconnection because he was somehow connected to this project when you first conceived of it and will be very happy for you. The Four of Cups tells me you probably shouldn’t expect that much forward movement in this relationship. This is mostly due to your friend constantly feeling like he has to be *on* all the time. Although he enjoys his success, I feel like it wears him down and he doesn’t have the energy to connect with others who aren’t part of his world. I really don’t feel like you have the energy to deal with the new him, so there you go. You guys might meet in the middle and forge a new normal, but don’t make this an expectation.
I asked the cards what you need to know about this dream and I got: Queen of Cups (water sign female, nurturing and caring person, an intuitive person, someone prone to emotional flooding, a sensitive person who internalizes things, and possibly the need to engage in self-care); Ace of Pentacles (number 1 or 11, new life on the material plane, financial gain, a new career, stability, and possibly rebuilding); Four of Cups (number 4, apathy, boredom and dissatisfaction, no longer being fulfilled by an old dream, a disappointing relationship, and possibly the need to take control); and Five of Swords (number 5, a no-win situation, negotiations being blocked, accepting defeat, the need to choose one’s words carefully, and the need to be open to negotiation). Ultimately, the dream is about you. This is about your sense of life dissatisfaction, your regrets regarding how you handled that connection, your choices, and how you want to move forward here. I feel like the Ace of Pentacles is providing encouragement for you to finish that old project, as I feel like it’s tied to a multitude of old wounds. I feel like finishing this project will help you unburden yourself and feel better about your life choices. The Queen of Cups signifies your emotional nature, which your friend rightly pinpointed as “complex.” You are someone who feels things differently. As such, stuffing your feelings and pretending they don’t exist is downright poisonous for you. This series of dreams is also about you coming to accept who you were and the mistakes you made. It is also showing you how you pushed your old friends away by not accepting who you are, what you want in life, and standing up for yourself. The Four of Cups makes another appearance here. In this spread, I feel like it indicates how perhaps you chased dreams that ultimately weren’t yours, which is why nothing really worked out for you. You didn’t get honest about who you are and what you want. Your friend did, which is something that sticks in your craw. Part of the reason you are dreaming of your friend is you want to be like your friend. I feel like you wonder if you could have achieved the same level of success and yes, you could have. However, I don’t know that you would enjoy the schmoozing and politicking that goes into his career. The Ace of Pentacles tells me that perhaps you should use this knowledge as you complete and market your project, if that is what you choose to do. The Ace is also telling you to rebuild using what you already have without putting too much focus on the final product.
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